St. Gerard, Pray for Us

The recent feast day of St. Gerard, patron saint of pregnancy, motherhood, and infertility, made me think about infertility, its impact on myself, and also what it means to be infertile living in our modern world.

When I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) in 2007, it was an incredibly painful time for me. My sister was pregnant with my niece, so I struggled with the dual emotions of rejoicing for her and being aware that it might be possible that I would never be able to rejoice in a similar way for myself. Add the fact that Brian was Catholic (and I wasn’t really on the road to becoming Catholic myself, then) and opposed to birth control/IVF of any type and my doctor’s telling me that the ONLY treatment for me was, guess what, birth control, added up to one troubled and confused college senior.

Since then, I’ve gained another niece and a nephew, and more wisdom about PCOS than my initial, “I’ll never be a parent! Brian and I can never get married because he doesn’t believe in birth control and they’re telling me I’ll have to be on it forever!” allowed. Not only was I able to get off birth control (more than 2 years of being on it made me realize that a.) it didn’t give me “less painful periods” like they promised, b.) it made my always frequent mood swings worse, and c.) it made me just feel miserable—constantly tired and bloated) but I’ve been more able to come to terms with the fact that “parenthood” doesn’t only exist for families that were able to have biological children.

I’ve come, also, to believe that birth control and IVF are wrong, not because I’m just accepting Catholic teaching, but also because I’ve witnessed it for myself. Being on a constant extra dose of hormones did not make me a better person in the least, and, knowing more than most about the eugenics movement in the United States, it’s become more than apparent that birth control is really used for population control (especially in “less desirable” populations, ie, non-white, non-rich, those with disabilities, etc. etc. ) IVF not only is unnatural (God made children grow inside a mother, not a petrie dish, for a reason), it also lends itself to making “designer babies”, allowing parents to choose the children’s eye color, hair color, and assuring that they aren’t born with disabilities of any kind. Master Race, anyone?
I know there are many out there that would argue that IVF has helped many families have children…I’m sure that’s true, but I also know there are a lot of parentless children out there, and it makes more sense to match parentless children and childrenless parents then it does to create babies in a lab.

Being an infertile female in a society seemingly obsessed with pregnancy—teen moms! octuplets! celebrity moms! abortion!—can, admittedly, be painful. Going to baby showers and birthday parties for kids, and knowing you may never reciprocate those invitations is like being stabbed in the heart a little each time. But I believe that God did make me infertile for a reason. Maybe it’s because there’s a child (or children) out there waiting for myself and Brian to become their parents. Maybe it’s because this whole experience has made me vastly more appreciative of the miracle that is conception and human life. Maybe because I’m meant to advocate a pro-life stance to those who I come across in my daily life. Whatever the reason, I know it’ll be a struggle, especially as friends and family start asking us…”So…when are you going to start a family?” I don’t have any other answer than “When God thinks that it is the right time”, because I am in an utter lack of control about when we have children. Whether and when it happens is not up to us in the least.

St. Gerard, pray for us.

A Baking-deprived world

For years, people have been telling me that I should sell my baked goods, and for just as many years I’ve been thinking that they were crazy. Who would pay for cookies when they can just make their own?

Recently, I made a cake for a pot-luck dinner and had someone ask, “Wow! How did you make this?”. This question dumbfounded me…do people really not know how to make cakes? My response was, “well, I just followed the recipe. It’s not hard” and she responded, “well, it doesn’t look like any cake I’ve ever seen!” (For the record, it was a chocolate chip bundt cake with a chocolate glaze.)

I grew up in a family of bakers…my mom always baked at holidays, for school bake sales, and for birthdays (when I was 6, she made me a three-tier birthday cake that looked like a carosel). Both my grandmothers baked, and when I was 8 I started not only helping them bake but also baking on my own. (My easy-bake oven never worked right, so I just graduated straight to the real thing).

I’ve been baking ever since…when my parents got divorced, it was really a source of comfort, and has continued to be that way. In college and grad school, I baked nearly every week, for bible studies and staff meetings, and just because I felt like it and wanted a good dessert. But I’ve never considered my baking special…I’ve never been to culinary school, and don’t know fancy tricks or names or how to make pastry or have any decorating skills. But more and more I’m realizing that cooking, and especially baking, is becoming a lost art. Most people don’t go to the effort to make things from scratch anymore, and many of them wouldn’t know where to start if they wanted to. (In college, I made a pumpkin pie in the dorm and had tons of people tell me it was just like their mom’s…I was, again, dumbfounded. What will they do when they want a pie and their mom isn’t there to make it for them? The obvious answer here is buy one from the store, but, as a baker, this never occurred to me.)

More and more I’ve been realizing a.) how much happier baking makes me than almost anything else and b.) it’s not as common a skill as I always believed. Just today, buying cream cheese at Target to make a cheesecake, the check out clerk told me, “You know, it’s much cheaper to just buy one”. I just stood gaping dumbly at her..just buy one? What?

Before I moved here, I had a coworker suggest that I contact the coffee shop in town and ask if they would be interested in selling my baked goods, as an extra source of income. Shocking even myself, I did, never expecting anything to come from it.
I’m still not sure if anything will come from it, but I have a meeting with the owners Saturday morning and am fixing up a slew of my best cookies, cakes, and pies for them to taste (snickerdoodles, cream-topped NY cheesecake, cream-cheese frosted red velvet cake, lemon bundt cake with almond frosting, and chocolate chip pie). Maybe the only thing that will happen is that they ‘ll have a very tasty Saturday morning (and all the friends we’re inviting over Saturday night to eat the rest will enjoy it, too), but I won’t regret it. I like sharing what I’ve baked, and if it makes someone’s day better, then I’ve achieved my purpose.

But…making a career out of it wouldn’t be too bad either.

A New Year for TV

Given that fall TV started back this week, I thought I would give an update on some of my favorite (and new favorite) shows.

Old Shows:

--Glee:

I have to admit, I wasn't thrilled with the season's first episode. Rachel was even more shrill and annoying than usual, I wasn't hooked by any of the songs, and the plotline wasn't even very funny. But I have high hopes for this week's Britney Spears episode and am hoping it leads to more 90s tributes...'N Sync anyone? Anyone?

--Bones:

I'm pleased that the characters are actually moving forward in their lives and in their relationships. I think the break of several months between last season and this was a good plot device to reinvigorate the series, and I'm looking forward to where it's going this year, especially in terms of Angela & Hodgins and their growing family.

--Grey's Anatomy:

I'm happy that this show,too, is letting its characters move forward (although to a less positive place than Bones). I don't know if it's just time or deliberate, but everyone, especially Meredith, is looking older. I hope she gets pregnant again and has a child with Derek; in general, the "commitment phobic" theme of the show is getting old and I really hope to see more marriages and children on the show in the future. The characters are clearly not in their early 20s anymore.

--Big Bang Theory:

Sadly, as this comes on at the same time as Bones and CBS does not post full episodes online, I'm not going to be able to watch BBT this year. But I'm getting the DVDs as soon as they come out!

New Shows: (I told myself I wouldn't pick up any, but I couldn't help myself)

--Top Chef Just Desserts:

I thought I would immediately love this show more than the original Top Chef, but I didn't. After 2 episodes, I'm finding it tolerable and am hoping to like it more in the future. General diva-ness detracts from the food, which is the whole reason I'm watching to begin with.

--The Event:

This is only the 2nd show ever that I've watched from the pilot episode (Glee being the first), and so far it's intriguing enough to make me watch more. Given how confusing the pilot was, I'm reserving judgment until I see some more, but I like the 24/Lost qualities it has and am so far committed to watching, at least for the near future.

--Parenthood:

I'm actually only watching the first season (which just came to DVD), but I absolutely love it and am looking forward to catching up on Season 2. It's realistic and easy to relate to without being depressing, and I love that they brought in the Asperger's plotline (I practically feel like I'm a character on the show, in the form of Max's behavioral therapist). I am really enjoying this show, and hope it stays so wonderful.

Looking Ahead

Despite the fact that I've been recently spending all my time battling with my old apartment complex (they FORGOT to bill me for water since March, even though I asked them why I wasn't getting bills. Their answer: there are no new charges. Their answer now: It's the billing company's fault. But you still owe us. The billing company said they would "research" why I wasn't billed for 4 months and get back to me. They haven't.) I have lots to look forward to.

Not the least of them is the fact that I GOT A JOB! It's only a part time job right now, which means I'll more than likely have to find my own health insurance (blast) and is still paid based on hours worked. But, it's a job, and hopefully it will result in a full-time position sometime in the next year.

Plus, I got a bike, which has been really fun to ride despite the brutal temperatures here (still 90 degrees every day, with a 100+ degree heat index). This will also allow us to pursue selling my car, which will hopefully pay the aforementioned health care bills.

I'm looking forward to the temperature here getting at least a little cooler (that's going to happen soon...right?) and being able to go to the beach once that happens. According to our neighbors, beach season starts in October. You know you want to visit us this winter. Then I'll have something else to look forward to!

A Tear-Stained Requiem

It’s Saturday as I write this, and it’s been almost a week since Brian woke me up late one night to say there were police lights flashing outside our window. Since the only thing outside our window is swamp, I told him he had dreamt it and to go back to sleep..when I saw them too. Another police car had pulled up on the main road, to the left of the swamp. Finally, after watching a while, we figured it must be someone getting pulled for speeding, or animal control to pick up a pesky alligator, and went back to sleep. But the next morning, we woke up to find that we had been looking out the window as a young man’s life (on earth, anyway) ended.

A local teenager, who had just graduated from the high school in town and was starting his freshman year here this fall, had been going too fast on the roads (a tempting thing to do, as there’s never any traffic), and lost control of the car, crashing off the road and into one of the many canals. A friend had been with him , and managed to get out of the sinking car and run for help…but too late. The young man, Alex, was drowned and since then, I think the whole town has been in some kind of shock.

Yesterday, there was a wake for him, and Brian and I decided to go as we’re community members now and we wanted to show our support for his family. This is when we realized that we’re FAR from community members. Most of the wake was teenagers weeping inconsolably for the loss of their friend (girls and guys alike), and we felt so out of place that we left shortly after arriving. This morning, Brian showed up at church for the reguarly scheduled confession time only to find a Requiem Mass going on…he awkwardly slunk out. Meanwhile, I went to the fitness room, only to come out to find the whole town congregated in the town center while his caskett was loaded into the hearse.

This whole process has struck me in a number of ways….the first being that we’re so unconnected from the community here that we had no idea most of this was going on, not to mention how we should respond. The second is my general reaction to funerals, and especially viewings, which is that I hate them. Especially yesterday, as several teenage girls were lead up the aisle weeping, I felt that I couldn’t bear that much suffering. By the time I left I too was in tears.

I’m such an empathetic crier that I burst into tears when my 2-year-old niece gets a scraped knee and bawls. I can’t tell you how ridiculous that feels, not to mention a tad embarrasing. At the funeral of one of my elderly clients, I cried so hard her daughter had to console me, instead of the other way around. I don’t know if this is comforting to people (well, at least I’m not the only one crying!) or incredibly offputting, but I know I can’t control it no matter how hard I try. I’ve been to several vigils for people who died while I was in college and whom I didn’t know well, but I always ended up in tears. Although I know that funerals are meant to honor the person who died, I often find them so sad and heart-wrenching that I avoid them at all costs, even skipping the recent viewing and funeral of my Great-Uncle Banks, who died before I left NC .

Is it pure avoidance, or that I prefer to remember people as I knew them alive, a task made easier if I haven’t seen them embalmed? I don’t know. But I do know that if you ever need someone to cry with, I’m only a box of tissues away.

Still Searching

...for a job, that is. I've had one interview so far, but haven't heard back yet..I'm hoping to soon, and praying that it's a positive outcome!

We've mostly settled in, and have figured out our way into town (Naples) for running errands (I got my library card yesterday, and picked up a Driver's Handbook so I can go get my Florida driver's license soon). Brian's orientation for his Master's program is the 24th, and his classes start the 3oth. It feels incredibly strange not to be going back to school...I do miss it, getting my new textbooks was always my favorite part of the year. Do I see another degree in my future? We'll see, I guess..

Other than that, not much has happened. We're still grappling with the amazing assortment of very large bugs that seem to live near us, not to mention birds that fly by with Maddy-sized animals in their talons (needless to say, we've been very careful to be sure she doesn't get out!) We still don't have internet at home (we're waiting until I get a job to add extra expenses) so I'm a bit out of the loop in terms of current events and the like.

Here's hoping I have some good news in terms of a job to report back soon!

Hello, Florida

Well, we've been here for nearly 2 weeks...and although we both miss friends and family back home, I'm learning to enjoy our new place in life.

We've met some of the neighbors, and last night went over to our directly-across-the-street neighbor's house for some dessert, and met some more of the neighborhood. Most of the street is made up of grad students or people who work at the university, and most (really, nearly all) of the couples have young children or are pregnant. I'll admit, I feel kind of weird about this, since we're not ready to have kids just yet, and, because of my PCOS, don't even know if we can have children biologically. But, it will certainly be useful if we do, to have so many experienced young moms in the area, and, hopefully, LOTS of hand-me-down baby furniture and clothes!

The wildlife has been an adjustment...Ave Maria is essentially a swamp, so we're battling mosquitoes constantly, which isn't terribly new given that we grew up in New Bern, also a swamp. But, the gators (there is apparently a large 7-foot one that lives in the pond in our neighborhood, and a smaller once that lives in the pond in the park across the street), the wild boar, and the panthers, not to mention the usual raccoons and possum, hawks, egrets, and palmetto bugs, makes me feel like a pioneer living in as-yet-unsettled land. It certainly makes going for walks an adventure!

I'm still trying to find my feet and get a job...the sun is so bright out it's hard to drive, or go out at all, during the middle of the day. It's strange to be in a place where the beach season is October to May! I'll post more updates as I have them...prayers and thoughts appreciated in the meantime!