Recently, I saw this article posted on a college acquaintance's facebook page, and it got me thinking.
I agree with this author's main argument: Men need to speak up about abortion. (Funnily enough though, most of the pro-life men I know do speak up a good bit. Brian's best friend was the president of Students for Life in college, and Brian himself was a member. Perhaps it's the fact that "pro-choice" men realize, deep down, that they're on the wrong side of the argument? hmm...)
This author describes the pain and suffering unplanned pregnancy (and subsequent abortion) caused in the lives of two women close to him--his mother, and his college girlfriend. How hard the decision was, how they struggle to talk about it even now, how much it affected them, not only at the time but throughout their lives. How the reasons these women had abortions were not because they didn't want a baby, but because they didn't feel that they had the adequate support to care for them. In his mother's case, the baby was diagnosed in utero with a disability, and in his girlfriend's, he himself was too much of a drunk stoner (his words, not mine) to care for a child.
I fully expected to be outraged by this article--but I found myself agreeing. The author (Aaron Traister) acknowledges that abortion is not an easy, casual decision, and that it has long-lasting effects. So why is Mr. Traister pro-choice, exactly?
He says:
"These "women's issues" have shaped my life: my birth, my adulthood and the children for which I am forever grateful. So yes, I support women's health programs and a woman's right to choose.
Even though I know that none of these choices are made easily or without hurt."
Huh. So was abortion really a good choice for these women? Let's say his girlfriend had the baby, even knowing she wouldn't be able to care for it on her own. She decides to give the baby to adoptive parents, and experiences all the regular pains of pregnancy and birth but not the continual anguish she has thus faced over the years for killing her child. And let's say that his mother continued the pregnancy and had a child with a disability--and it turns out she loves that child just as much as its typical siblings (don't get me started on how often in utero diagnoses are wrong, and how bleak a picture doctors paint for parents of what the child's life will be like).
It seems to me that Mr. Traister supports the women in his life (a good thing, of course), and wants them to do what is best for them. He's speaking up! But what if, instead, he had been there for his girlfriend when she was pregnant? The old adage "actions speak louder than words" seems to apply here.
So, to all those out there who want to continue Planned Parenthood's funding...who respect a woman's right to "choose"...what if, instead of making signs and parading around you started to figure out what could really help women who are pregnant--counseling, baby supplies, how to begin the adoption process? (The same goes for pro-life paraders, by the way. Parading is all well and good, and I support the pro-life march as much as anyone, but words don't help pregnant moms, no matter what the words are).
If you're interested in this topic, I highly recommend Frederica Mathewes-Green's book, "Real Choices: Listening to women, finding alternatives to abortion".
As for me, I believe I have a soapbox to step down from...
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Being a Grad Student Wife
Recently, I filled out a volunteer application for a pregnancy counseling center where we live, and somehow the director interpreted this as request to help with fundraising. At first I thought, well, if this is what they need, then I can do that. They have a fundraising banquet coming up soon, so when she invited me, I assumed it was to help out with set-up or clean-up or other various event-related tasks. Um, no. Apparently she wanted me to come so I would give money...and on the invitation, the smallest amount was $400. So now I have to send an awkward e-mail saying, "Hi, I only work part-time and my husband is in grad school..." (I have to admit, I have no idea why she thought I was wealthy...people with "MSW" after their name usually aren't big spenders).
So this has all got me thinking about the very unique (and often frustrating) position of being a grad student wife. Plus, it's tax season, and getting my W-2 always makes me feel inadequate...especially this year, since I'm the only one bringing home a salary.
I don't have to worry about my husband working late (when he does, it's usually at home), or having to work weekends. Instead, my husband's work is nearly constant (although Brian does usually try to take Sunday afternoons off), from the time he gets up in the morning until he goes to sleep at night. Instead of having to compete with coworkers for his attention, I have to compete with the likes of Thomas Aquinas. When he claims he has no time to help me clean up after dinner, I might protest but I can't claim he's lying...plus, if he doesn't do well here he won't get into a good program for his doctorate, or be able to get a good job after that...
I know it might be terribly anti-feminist of me, but being the only one bringing money home stresses me out more than I thought it would. I'm currently in the process of getting a second part-time job, since it looks like my job won't be going full-time like I had hoped, and I've found myself feeling resentful. "Why am I having to get a second job when Brian doesn't even have one, and likely won't for another 6 years??". But as he always protests, and I promise I do know at heart, he is working hard. His work the next year a half will determine where we'll be next, and if we'll have to take out more loans or not (please, please not.)
Being a grad student wife also means coming to terms with not settling down anywhere long term. We'll probably be moving again next summer to someplace we'll be 4 or 5 years at most. At a time when many people my age are having kids or buying houses, we have no idea where we'll be 2 years from now, and especially not 10 years from now. I have no idea what job I'll be in, what city we'll be living in, or if we'll be close enough to family to visit more than twice a year. As the primary wage earner (at this point, ONLY wage earner), if we do have children before Brian finishes his doctorate, staying at home (or cutting back on work) won't even be an option for me.
I know these years will pay off when Brian gets a position as a professor, which is what he's always wanted to do. In the meantime though, it might be rough going.
Prayers, as always, appreciated.
So this has all got me thinking about the very unique (and often frustrating) position of being a grad student wife. Plus, it's tax season, and getting my W-2 always makes me feel inadequate...especially this year, since I'm the only one bringing home a salary.
I don't have to worry about my husband working late (when he does, it's usually at home), or having to work weekends. Instead, my husband's work is nearly constant (although Brian does usually try to take Sunday afternoons off), from the time he gets up in the morning until he goes to sleep at night. Instead of having to compete with coworkers for his attention, I have to compete with the likes of Thomas Aquinas. When he claims he has no time to help me clean up after dinner, I might protest but I can't claim he's lying...plus, if he doesn't do well here he won't get into a good program for his doctorate, or be able to get a good job after that...
I know it might be terribly anti-feminist of me, but being the only one bringing money home stresses me out more than I thought it would. I'm currently in the process of getting a second part-time job, since it looks like my job won't be going full-time like I had hoped, and I've found myself feeling resentful. "Why am I having to get a second job when Brian doesn't even have one, and likely won't for another 6 years??". But as he always protests, and I promise I do know at heart, he is working hard. His work the next year a half will determine where we'll be next, and if we'll have to take out more loans or not (please, please not.)
Being a grad student wife also means coming to terms with not settling down anywhere long term. We'll probably be moving again next summer to someplace we'll be 4 or 5 years at most. At a time when many people my age are having kids or buying houses, we have no idea where we'll be 2 years from now, and especially not 10 years from now. I have no idea what job I'll be in, what city we'll be living in, or if we'll be close enough to family to visit more than twice a year. As the primary wage earner (at this point, ONLY wage earner), if we do have children before Brian finishes his doctorate, staying at home (or cutting back on work) won't even be an option for me.
I know these years will pay off when Brian gets a position as a professor, which is what he's always wanted to do. In the meantime though, it might be rough going.
Prayers, as always, appreciated.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Comfort Literature, Part 1
I just finished rereading the Chronicles of Narnia, and this got me thinking about the books I've always turned to , over and over again, when I just need some comfort and relaxation. I've always turned to books as a source of comfort; as an only child, I spent a lot of time alone, so characters like Anne of Green Gables always felt like friends.
So here we have it, my favorite comfort literature:
The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis
Narnia was always such a magical place that I've been enchanted by these books since I read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe as a child...who can forget the first time they read about Lucy going through the wardrobe and coming across the lantern in the middle of the snow, and meeting Mr. Tumnus? In addition to the magic, the fact that the characters made mistakes, sometimes big ones, but never managed to really mess things up and were always forgiven was even more comforting. As an adult, the (very obvious, now that I'm looking for it) Christian allegory is also a comfort, since many books today are pretty blatantly anti-Christian.
Ballet Shoes, Noel Streatfield
This is my favorite book of all time. I think the first time I read this book I was about 9, and since then I've read it more times than I can count. The story of 3 orphaned girls adopted by an eccentric scientist, and living in a boarding house full of equally eccentric (but nevertheless supportive) characters, who all take ballet lessons, and end up making their way in the world in different ways (plus being set in 1920s England) is a recipe for comfort literature. I think what was so initially attractive to me was the story of three sisters who support each other (even as children), and as I've gotten older, the simplistic and straightforward plot is great for relaxing my brain. I highly recommend the story of Pauline, Petrova, and Posy...for kids or adults.
Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
I first read this book in college, and ended up basically reading it in one go sitting on the futon in my dorm room. I love Jane as a narrator, perhaps because she is a realistic, and a little bit depressing, narrator (in other words, like me), who nevertheless finds happiness, and also has the strength to turn down offers she knows aren't going to make her happy (who would want to be married to someone named St. John, anyway?). Plus, who can beat a mad wife in the attic?
Jane Austen
I love Pride & Prejudice, Sense & Sensibility, and Northanger Abbey about equally, and I love them all as comfort literature because Jane Austen's writing style brings their world to life so fully. Even though they were written more than 200 years ago, they still seem relevant every time I read them. The endings are all happy, but they aren't cookie-cutter like many modern "chick lit" novels are...the heroines really have to work through why they care for the hero, and it's never just because they have money and look nice. The case of supporting characters also stand out as unique, making the whole novel like a window into the lives of real people who struggle, triumph, and make mistakes along the way.
Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
I first read this book in high school, and have since gone through 3 copies (I finally bought a hardback one). Pip is an excellent, wry narrator, though what I like best about this book is that it isn't only about him--Joe and Birdie, Mrs. Havisham (who can forget the first time you read about the huge rotting wedding cake??), Wemmick and the Aged P, Magwitch, ....the revolving cast of characters all get attention and, for the most, part some kind of resolution. Unlike many of Dickens' other books, the kindness and generosity of human nature shines through, just when you're thinking that all is lost. An excellent read when you're feeling down.
I realize that all the books I've written about here are for the most part "classics"--I promise I do read modern books, and to do a post on them in future. But right now, I think I'm going to go read....
So here we have it, my favorite comfort literature:
The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis
Narnia was always such a magical place that I've been enchanted by these books since I read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe as a child...who can forget the first time they read about Lucy going through the wardrobe and coming across the lantern in the middle of the snow, and meeting Mr. Tumnus? In addition to the magic, the fact that the characters made mistakes, sometimes big ones, but never managed to really mess things up and were always forgiven was even more comforting. As an adult, the (very obvious, now that I'm looking for it) Christian allegory is also a comfort, since many books today are pretty blatantly anti-Christian.
Ballet Shoes, Noel Streatfield
This is my favorite book of all time. I think the first time I read this book I was about 9, and since then I've read it more times than I can count. The story of 3 orphaned girls adopted by an eccentric scientist, and living in a boarding house full of equally eccentric (but nevertheless supportive) characters, who all take ballet lessons, and end up making their way in the world in different ways (plus being set in 1920s England) is a recipe for comfort literature. I think what was so initially attractive to me was the story of three sisters who support each other (even as children), and as I've gotten older, the simplistic and straightforward plot is great for relaxing my brain. I highly recommend the story of Pauline, Petrova, and Posy...for kids or adults.
Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
I first read this book in college, and ended up basically reading it in one go sitting on the futon in my dorm room. I love Jane as a narrator, perhaps because she is a realistic, and a little bit depressing, narrator (in other words, like me), who nevertheless finds happiness, and also has the strength to turn down offers she knows aren't going to make her happy (who would want to be married to someone named St. John, anyway?). Plus, who can beat a mad wife in the attic?
Jane Austen
I love Pride & Prejudice, Sense & Sensibility, and Northanger Abbey about equally, and I love them all as comfort literature because Jane Austen's writing style brings their world to life so fully. Even though they were written more than 200 years ago, they still seem relevant every time I read them. The endings are all happy, but they aren't cookie-cutter like many modern "chick lit" novels are...the heroines really have to work through why they care for the hero, and it's never just because they have money and look nice. The case of supporting characters also stand out as unique, making the whole novel like a window into the lives of real people who struggle, triumph, and make mistakes along the way.
Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
I first read this book in high school, and have since gone through 3 copies (I finally bought a hardback one). Pip is an excellent, wry narrator, though what I like best about this book is that it isn't only about him--Joe and Birdie, Mrs. Havisham (who can forget the first time you read about the huge rotting wedding cake??), Wemmick and the Aged P, Magwitch, ....the revolving cast of characters all get attention and, for the most, part some kind of resolution. Unlike many of Dickens' other books, the kindness and generosity of human nature shines through, just when you're thinking that all is lost. An excellent read when you're feeling down.
I realize that all the books I've written about here are for the most part "classics"--I promise I do read modern books, and to do a post on them in future. But right now, I think I'm going to go read....
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