Being a Grad Student Wife

Recently, I filled out a volunteer application for a pregnancy counseling center where we live, and somehow the director interpreted this as request to help with fundraising. At first I thought, well, if this is what they need, then I can do that. They have a fundraising banquet coming up soon, so when she invited me, I assumed it was to help out with set-up or clean-up or other various event-related tasks. Um, no. Apparently she wanted me to come so I would give money...and on the invitation, the smallest amount was $400. So now I have to send an awkward e-mail saying, "Hi, I only work part-time and my husband is in grad school..." (I have to admit, I have no idea why she thought I was wealthy...people with "MSW" after their name usually aren't big spenders).

So this has all got me thinking about the very unique (and often frustrating) position of being a grad student wife. Plus, it's tax season, and getting my W-2 always makes me feel inadequate...especially this year, since I'm the only one bringing home a salary.

I don't have to worry about my husband working late (when he does, it's usually at home), or having to work weekends. Instead, my husband's work is nearly constant (although Brian does usually try to take Sunday afternoons off), from the time he gets up in the morning until he goes to sleep at night. Instead of having to compete with coworkers for his attention, I have to compete with the likes of Thomas Aquinas. When he claims he has no time to help me clean up after dinner, I might protest but I can't claim he's lying...plus, if he doesn't do well here he won't get into a good program for his doctorate, or be able to get a good job after that...

I know it might be terribly anti-feminist of me, but being the only one bringing money home stresses me out more than I thought it would. I'm currently in the process of getting a second part-time job, since it looks like my job won't be going full-time like I had hoped, and I've found myself feeling resentful. "Why am I having to get a second job when Brian doesn't even have one, and likely won't for another 6 years??". But as he always protests, and I promise I do know at heart, he is working hard. His work the next year a half will determine where we'll be next, and if we'll have to take out more loans or not (please, please not.)

Being a grad student wife also means coming to terms with not settling down anywhere long term. We'll probably be moving again next summer to someplace we'll be 4 or 5 years at most. At a time when many people my age are having kids or buying houses, we have no idea where we'll be 2 years from now, and especially not 10 years from now. I have no idea what job I'll be in, what city we'll be living in, or if we'll be close enough to family to visit more than twice a year. As the primary wage earner (at this point, ONLY wage earner), if we do have children before Brian finishes his doctorate, staying at home (or cutting back on work) won't even be an option for me.

I know these years will pay off when Brian gets a position as a professor, which is what he's always wanted to do. In the meantime though, it might be rough going.

Prayers, as always, appreciated.