Goodbye, Christmas

Despite the fact that Brian continually insists that Christmas is 12 days long (ending on Epiphany, January 6), I already feel like it's over. I'm back in Chapel Hill, getting ready for work tomorrow --and for once, I really wasn't ready to leave home. Christmas wasn't as awful as I had anticipated (it was actually very nice, despite the un-Christmasy temperatures) and for the first time in a very, very, VERY long time, I had nothing to do and didn't feel guilty/bored. I spent most of Friday and Saturday reading and sleeping (helped along by a seriously bad headache on Saturday), and I have to say I wish I could do more of it. Work last week was beyond exhausting, and I ended up covered in bruises and barely able to move (thank you, whoever decided to send autistic kids to the roller rink). I'm hardly looking forward to it this week, besides that fact that no one will be in town for New Year's Eve--hence, I'll have to spend it alone. I think I was dreading most coming back here and being lonely--thankfully Brian comes back on Friday, as we have to go to a wedding on Saturday.

But enough for the negative.

For Christmas this year, I have to say my favorite gifts were decorations I can put up next year--I found it really hard to get in the spirit when all I had was a wreath on the door. I got a little plush tree on a stand (John), a Santa mug (Lara), a "Santa's Favorite Cat" pillow with a picture of Maddy (Brian's family) a Snowbabies statuette with penguins (Brian's grandma), and some snowman mugs/dessert plates (Dad). It's nice to start collecting things like that, and hopefully it will make next year's Christmas more...Christmasy. I also got a GPS (which is a seriously good thing, if you know how much I get lost) and a new iPod, as my old one died a watery death back in the spring when my thermos leaked. Not to mention a new thermos, one of those metal ones rather than the plastic ones, which I've heard are bad for you, and anyway start to smell after a day or two, and are hard to wash.

I also went to see Valkyrie, against my better judgement because I can't stand Tom Cruise these days but Brian asked, and he so rarely wants to see movies that I couldn't turn him down. It ended up being really good, in part because Tom Cruise's massive ego, which usually overpowers any character he's playing (Mission:Impossible 3, anyone?) actually contributed to the character, which was one of the major players in the plot to assassinate Hitler in 1944. I recommended it if you like dramatic WWII movies (there aren't many explosions, etc., but the plot made up for it).

Life Lessons

It seems that my main Christmas gift this year has been to learn a whole bunch of life lessons in a very short time span...

1.) Don't speed. This seems like a no brainer..but it is very tempting to drive 70 when you are on country roads when no one is in front of you. Note to self: Don't. Or you'll get another ticket and then you'll lose your license.

2.) Circular highway exits can be treacherous. They may lead you right into the cars of African-American obama-shirt-wearing women who are not too nice about it.

3.) Don't let your cat encounter your mom's cat(s). This will result in blood and an emergency vet visit, and a week's worth of tracking her down so you can put antibiotic ointment on her eye.

4.) I am not the only kid with divorced parents who hates Christmas (or for that matter,all holidays). I think we should mutiny and pick one spot where we can stay the whole day.

5.) Good movies with moral lessons DO exist...in the form of The Tale of Desperaux, a great movie with a good plot, animation, and voice-overs. I recommend it, especially for kids growing up in our ridiculous environment (just today in the newspaper there were letters to Santa, most featuring ridiculous lists of toys and video games. Alas, consumerism).

6.) Really young kids are now getting engaged/married...case in point, my stepbrother, who is 19 and just proposed to his 18-year-old girlfriend. Also the masses of people I know who are younger than me I see in the wedding announcements every time I open the paper. Perhaps I am just a 23-year-old fogie, but this scares me.

Now, having learned all these lessons, I must go forth and work tomorrow. Merry Christmas to me.

What a Week(end)

This week started out easy--I finished up my Christmas shopping, and the rest of the time sat around in my pajamas working on my online class (which is getting ridiculous..more on that in a bit). Then somehow it exploded, and I ended up working about 30 hours in three days, plus some today, and some tomorrow. I'm so exhausted I can barely see straight, and I've been having dreams about making breakthroughs with my clients in therapy, and waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking that I've forgotten something crucial for one of the many things I had to do this weekend.

Here's a run down of my week:

Monday: shopping, online class

Tuesday: online class

Wednesday: 10 hour workday, including a potluck/meeting with the JFS advisory board at which I had to present what the special needs committee is doing.

Thursday:9 hour workday, including 4 clients (one of whom I had to convince to get out of bed and help dress)

Friday: 10 more hours, including a clinical lecture on ABC therapy and the first Special Needs Shabbat (this one for Hanukkah).

Saturday: Attempting to go to the gym (I nearly fell asleep halfway through) and a family Christmas party in Burlington.

Sunday: Hanukkah party for the seniors, online class, mass.

No wonder i'm tired.

The special needs dinner went well--and now they want me to start a group for young adults. This is a good idea...but I'm already feeling overworked, and I didn't even have class this week. Plus I felt like the whole thing was a giant test--I was co-facilitating the young adults with someone who worked at TEACCH for a really long time (and has offered me an internship there next year) and I felt like all my actions were being judged. I think I did well (maybe too well, since he wants me to start up the group and reallly wants me at TEACCH next year). But there's a reason I quit my job on the weekends..I don't want to add more work for which I don't even get paid.

The Hanukkah party today was packed, and Brian was a hit, since I drug him with me. Also, i'm now addicted to seltzer (it's everywhere at Jewish functions!) and latkes are quite tasty. I can also sing most of the blessings in Hebrew now without having to look at anything. 

Now, for the online class: This is ludicrous. It's SO much information that it's worth a semester class. I've probably spent 30 hours on it so far at LEAST and i'm only halfway through the fifth section (out of six).  Today alone I spent THREE HOURS watching videos on gay rights. And we have an exam after every section that has ridiculously specific questions on it.  Honestly, working myself to death was not what I had intended to spend my first week on break doing. 

Done! Mostly...

I have at last finished all my classes...papers, exams, meetings..over!  I'm glad of it, as it's been a bit of a rough semester (this 9-5 or 6 schedule every day makes me long for the days of undergrad when I had breaks AND time to work for money during the week).  I also finished work with Joe yesterday, although I did tell his parents I would sub sometimes, and I'm really hoping they don't call me all the time. Not that I can't use the money, though...

I still have a week left at my internship before I can take a break from that too (kind of...i'm sure the special needs team will hound me with e-mails). BUT..I have my online class hanging over my head, that I DO NOT want to do. Class over Christmas break?? It's just wrong.  Really.

Twilighting

Having just finished the last of the Twilight books, I thought I would share some thoughts on them. First, a summary for those of you who haven't read them (if you don't want to know, skip this part):

Twilight: Bella moves to Forks, Washington to live with her dad. There, she meets Edward, who at first acts like he hates her, but then falls in love with her. She follows suit. It doesn't freak her out that he's a vampire. There's some drama with some vampires who drink human blood (unlike Edward's family, who all drink animal blood), but Edward saves Bella, and then convinces her to go to the prom.

New Moon: Edward decides that he doesn't want Bella going to hell like he's going to do because he has no soul; he leaves. She spends a lot of time comatose. Jacob steps in. Bella and Jacob start doing risky things, like riding motorcycles. Bella breaks a lot of bones. Turns out, Jacob and a bunch of his friends are really werewolves. Edward thinks Bella is trying to kill herself and has succeeded; he tries to kill himself. Bella saves him. They get back together. Jacob is not happy.

Eclipse: Bella tries to convince Edward to change her into a vampire. He says, after graduation and they have to get married first. She eventually agrees. There's some drama with one of the vampires that tries to kill her in Twilight, who has created an army of newborn vampires. Bella realizes it might not be so awesome to be a vampire. Jacob tries to convince her to leave Edward and be with him. Bella says no. Jacob runs away.

Breaking Dawn: Edward and Bella get married. Bella gets pregnant, which no one thought could happen. Turns out, half-vampires grow super fast and in a month she has the baby, which breaks her spine--so Edward now has to turn Bella into a vampire. Miraculously, she has no ill effects, and is in control immediately. Jacob finds out Bella's daughter, Renesmee, is his soul mate. No more Edward-Jacob awkwardness. The Volturi, the vampire police, use Renesemee as an excuse to destroy the Cullens & friends, but they convince them not to. Happily ever after.

That done, I'll say that I think Stephanie Meyer's writing style is very amateurish-her plot lines are never fully developed and her settings are barely there. And she takes up a ton of space recounting really mundane occurrences, making all her books 700ish pages long. It bothers me that these are the books that have of the US is addicted to--they're so unsophisticated, what does this say about us? However, despite my criticism, I do think she has a strong literary voice in Bella, and her books are very readable, if barebones and generally just kind of silly.

If you like vampire books but didn't like Twilight, I suggest Sunshine by Robin McKinley--the settings are much more established and the characters are stronger (plus, less silly romance). 

Tryptofantastic

After my usual glut of holiday food (only two Thanksgiving dinners this year, thank goodness) and family, i'm feeling worn out and exhausted. Not to mention the fact that I came down with a cold practically as soon as I got here and have felt progressively worse every day. Thankfully, today was a bit better since i've stopped sneezing every 3 seconds.

As much as I enjoy being home, I am once again REALLY ready to go back to Chapel Hill, despite my conflictual relationship with it currently. I just feel stifled here in the mess of my mom's house...I need some autonomy. And cleanliness. And a bed frame, which I currently don't have here because it is still leaning up against a wall in the dining room waiting to be carried upstairs and put back together. Ack.

To further the weekend awkwardness that begun with my mom asking my stepmom if she wanted to join us for a movie and continued at my dad's on Friday, as we ate dinner and then all started at each other for what seemed like 2 years but was probably about 2-3 hours, a client tried to friend me on facebook. Clearly, this is not appropriate, and now I feel like I have to bring up boundaries because I don't want him to get a friending complex. I am really not cut out for direct practice. Really.

I DID go see Australia, which was as good as Twilight was ridiculously awful. Great setting, costumes (my favorite, of course) and music. I was feeling iffy, since Baz Lurhmann movies can either be good (Moulin Rouge) or kitschy (Romeo + Juliet)..thankfully this one was good, but on a MUCH larger scale than Moulin Rouge, not to mention longer (3 hours!!). When I went the theater was packed with elderly people, and I have to say the best part of the movie was when Hugh Jackman emerged in a white smoking jacket and a collective "mmm" went up from the elderly ladies.

Crikey.

After a bit of a break, it's back to the grindstone tomorrow, since I have 2 exams coming up this week. Blech. At least i'm done after that....

Let the holidays begin!

The Christian holiday, that is...I'm not sure the Jewish ones ever end, to be honest. Thanksgiving is kind of areligious.

I had another busy but good weekend...Friday I went to dinner and then to the CHiPs improv show with some SW girls...on leaving dinner we saw a huge crowd of people marching down Franklin (blocking an entire lane of traffic, which, I imagine, was not making the bus full of people stuck behind them very happy). They were wearing skull masks, weird clothes, and wheeling a coffin that said "capitalism" on the side. This only contributes to my notion that it is really time to get out of Chapel Hill. At least CHiPs was hilarious as always, and my fellow JFS intern was there, so we had some good laughs about things that happened this week (for example, when Debbie, one of the social workers, said about her couch, "This thing sure gets a lot of action!". hahaha).

Saturday I did some Christmas shopping, which mostly consisted of going to Barnes & Nobles to look for children's books for my niece (SO MUCH FUN!! I got "Goodnight Moon", "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom", "Guess How Much I Love You", and a Sandra Boynton book called "Horns to toes") and Southern Season, which is always a good outing, even if I go just to browse the teas.

Then I went to see Twilight, which, i' m sad to say, was even more ridiculous than the books (which I honestly wasn't sure was possible). It was PACKED with tweens, and the movie mostly consisted of close-ups of Edward and Bella's faces, breathing hard and looking anxious. It was essentially two hours of middle school style awkward. Here's some choice lines:

"Hang on, you little spider monkey"

"Bella, you're my own personal form of heroin"

Good grief.

Today was also my next-to-last day with Joe, which went fine except for when I burned my finger baking cookies since his well-loved favorite pot-holder was a little TOO well-loved, and had a hole in it. And when he washed his hands, and then dried them. On the dog. I can't make this stuff up.

School-wise: 2 weeks left of class! I've turned in one paper, finished another, and am about halfway through the last 2 (one of them is a group paper, and i'm just waiting for one group member to give me his part..I understand why he hasn't yet, but it still kind of ticks me off. The control freak is always there, it's just dormant sometimes.) Then I have my online class (blahhhh) and a bunch of work for my internship. Followed by work for the Arc. And more work for my internship. So yeah, I'm getting a break...*sigh*. At least there's no class...

A Weekend of Eating

It was Brian's birthday weekend...and essentially all I did was eat and cook.

Friday night I went to dinner with some SW girls, then to the James Bond movie (Brian ended up going with some Doggett people), and then to Yogurt Pump. It was nice to feel part of a group, since I haven't really had that in a long time, and we ended up staying out past 11 just talking. James Bond was only so-so, I thought, but at least QUANTUM was a lot more believable than SPECTRE, and Mr. Green was a lot more chilling and realistic than Goldfinger ever was. Plus this was the first movie I've seen since August, so it was kind of nice.

Saturday Brian and I went to the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit (and I didn't get lost! Mainly b/c he knew where he was going and directed me. Apparently the directions I had printed off google maps were completely screwy).  It was good, but realllly crowded (there were even 2 other people from New Bern there!), and most of the exhibit was just background info, and then you got let into this climate-controlled, dark room a few people at a time to see these tiny fragments the size of my hand. But, he enjoyed it, which was the point. Then we had lunch at 518 West (I had artichoke dip and calamari, yum). Then we came back here, and both of us ended up crashing for almost 2 hours; after that, I got up and made quiche lorraine and Tollhouse pie for dinner.  This morning I made pancakes, and then we went to an early dinner at Olive Garden with his family, after mass. And now I'm making pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. Whew.

I DID call and cancel with Joe today, which I feel awful about, since that's the 2nd time I've done that this semester (the first time, though, was because I was having a nervous breakdown). But I wanted to see his family, and I felt like, in this situation, his birthday was more important. But it just contributed to my "I feel like the scum of the earth" complex. Blah.

School-wise, things are really winding down. We have 3 weeks left! I finish a class totally this week, and I've mostly finished one paper and started on the other 2.  Studying hasn't really started tho, but my class has at least started assembling a study guide for direct practice. Despite all my whinging, it has gone by pretty fast...

An Ending and Some Excitement

As I only have 2 Sundays left working with Joe, I almost feel like it's the end of a part of my life. Not that I won't continue working with people with developmental disabilities, since I'm pretty much committed to that now...but I'm struggling with my decision to leave, even though I know it's the right one--I will miss working with him. Today for example, we went to the planetarium for their new show on NASA, which was pretty fun.  If you feel moved to see it, there is a pretty hilarious shot of one of the Apollo 16 astronauts trying to jump up and down on the moon and falling over...

HOWEVER, even though we had a good time today, I got home exhausted and am going to end up having to get up super early in the morning to work more on my paper/presentation (which is tomorrow...at least it will be over).  

I'm getting pretty psyched about Brian's birthday next weekend--I have all sorts of stuff planned. For example, we're going to see the Dead Sea Scrolls (should that be capitalized? Clearly Dead Sea should be, as it is a proper noun, but i'm not sure about S/scrolls...anyway) at the Natural Science museum, as I promised him we would do back in the summer when I found out they were there. Then we're going to his favorite restaurant, 518 West, for lunch (as I recall, we went to its Chapel Hill equivalent, 411 West, for his 21st birthday and I bought him his first glass of legal wine...ah, good times).  Then, i'm cooking dinner (quiche lorraine and Tollhouse pie, his choice) and we're going to see the new Bond movie, as we both love Bond and have gone to see all the movies together that have come out since we started dating (I think that's only 3...although we have watched a couple more on DVD, one which we accidentally watched twice because we weren't actually watching the first time, if you get my gist. And can I just say, Die Another Day is not only the dumbest Bond movie ever, but the dumbest movie ever, period. Halle Berry sucks as a Bond girl, and Madonna needs to get over the fact that she is not really British). I'm hoping it's good, as I was a bit disappointed in Casino Royale...I get that they're trying to start from the beginning of Bond, but why is Judi Dench still M? And where are Q and Moneypenny???

I hope we don't get lost in downtown Raleigh, as I am prone to do, and miss some of that--i'm also planning on cooking breakfast Sunday morning, and then going to Mass with him before work, so I can yell "It's Brian's 24th birthday today!!!" when they ask for announcements.  I'm pretty much more excited about it than my birthday. Especially since I get to go see a movie in the theater for the first time since August..it's about time. 

Guilt and Abandonment

I am the scum of the earth. Ok, this isn't really true...but I sure feel like it, after I had to tell Joe's parents I would be leaving at the end of November. This is really one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, which I'm sure sounds hokey, but it's true.

I would be excited about getting to November, if this month didn't look harder than last. I have 3 major papers and a presentation before Thanksgiving (ie, in the next 3 1/2 weeks), and i've only started researching one of them. I'm pretty sure the 4-clients-every-Thursday thing will continue at JFS, which means I'll be getting home after a 9-10 hour day feeling beaten up.  Plus I'll be working my full hours there, and still working with Joe on Sundays (as the guilt hovers over me, I'm sure).  BUT, I feel like the decision to leave was the right one--working/going to class 40 hours during the week and doing the same type of work on Sundays is too much, and I'm pretty sure I'd burnout reallllly soon. That doesn't make me feel better though...

I've also abandoned, at least for now, my plan to move to Raleigh and get married early. For one, I realized that a lot of my urge to leave CH hinged on the election and how utterly sick I am of having to deal with the Obamaites. But I'm not sure that would be any better in Raleigh, for all State's conservative reputation. Also, I just don't want to have to move again, and find a library, grocery store, and gym all over again, not to mention figure out where I was most of the time. As most of you know, I am not too good with the directions.  I think I was just feeling lonely and was a bit overly optimistic when I was scheming....

On the bright side, if there is one, a new sign just went up across the street from my apartment complex: Carolina Institute for Developmental Disabilities. HMM. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to walk to work next year...

PS--In line with "guilt and abandonment" theme of this post, this past Thursday was the 10-year anniversary of my parents telling me they were getting a divorce, and the subsequent downward spiral I still sometimes wonder if I've pulled myself out of....

Raleigh scheming

As promised, here is more on my potential move to Raleigh:

What precipitated it:

• Being tired of not living in the same city with Brian the entire 5 1/2 years we've been dating, and also being tired of only getting to see him 1-2 days a week, and having to drive A LOT to do that.
• Considering an internship next year in Raleigh, and thinking that it's ridiculous to commute 3 days a week plus the weekend.

What this means:

• I'll probably stay in CH until the end of the summer so I can work camp again, and then move to Raleigh. I'll have to commute 2 days a week to CH for school, but that's less in the end.
• Brian and I are seriously considering getting married next Christmas, and this way he could just move in with me and it wouldn't disrupt his commute. 
• I'll get to see Brian more than 1 day a week! We can have mutual friends! We can just hang out together, and not be depressed that, when I have to take him home, I won't see him again for another week or more.

Will this really happen? I have no idea. I welcome advice..but, in the words of one of my clients, I can't promise I'll take it :) 

Musings

Some things I've been thinking about:

TV

Shows this year have been decent. Such as House (which has really been kind of iffy...especially after this week's episode, where 13 started making out with random girls to deal with her progressive Huntington's), Bones (i've only seen 2 episodes, and I watched them both yesterday...but other than Angela and Hodgins breaking up, which I'm really hoping changes in the episodes I haven't seen, it seems good), Ugly Betty (finally! right mix of comedy, drama, and attitude!), and Jon and Kate Plus 8 (the little kids are in preschool!!). But really, what is up with everybody on Bones using their iphones to watch videos of people beating each other up that relate to cases? And who WAS that woman that came to Wilson's apartment? Will House make out with Cuddy?? Will Betty get back with Gio, or random new musical neighbor boy?  Really, who knows.  Plus, shocker, Lindsay Lohan has been actually decent on Ugly Betty.  

School

I feel like (and am really praying I'm right) that the worst of the semester is over. October was a bit rough after 2 tests, a presentation, and 4 papers; this month, I only have 2 papers and 2 presentations (although I am back to all my hours at JFS).  Everyone keeps saying next semester is easier...I hope they're not lying.

JFS

Every day is an adventure at JFS...today, for example, I had an entire interview with a client sitting in her underwear, who couldn't remember who I was and lapsed into German. And another with a client who ranted about shower caddies for about 20 minutes.  But, i'm still struggling with the culture--picking up on all the Jewish terms (today I had a conversation with a rabbi over the phone, and he threw in a ton of Hebrew words and I had NO idea what he was saying) and the really abrupt way most people in the office speak.  Plus having to say, "um..I'm actually not Jewish..." about 10 times a day.  

Life in general

First, over Fall Break, I actually got homesick for my apartment, the first time that has ever happened...usually I dread going back b/c of icky roommates...that kind of makes living alone worth it,even if it is lonely from time to time.  Plus my apartment is WAY cleaner than my mom's house...

I'm also reallllly chafing to get married, and I wish it wasn't a year and a half away!  Blah.  

That time of year again

Ah, fall break. Great weather, good food, family...and doctor's appointments. Since I still haven't transferred all my doctors to Chapel Hill, I had my yearly checkup today, which, in addition to being icky and awkward (ladies, you know it's true), for me generally also includes fasting and bloodwork. No change there...I had three vials of blood taken to run an organ check, to make sure my medication isn't wreaking any havoc.

This is all well and good...but last night I had dinner with my stepsister and 6 month niece (who seems to find me strangely comforting, as she generally ends up asleep in my arms whenever I see her), and today spent an hour surrounded by pregnant women in for their checkups. For someone who may not be able to have biological children, this is a bit depressing. Ok, a lot. I think my biological clock has recently gone off, as I find myself in raptures over every baby I encounter--but I never know if this will ever come to fruition. Sure, I can adopt, and I'd like to adopt even if I do have biological children. I don't even want kids for a few more years...and yet, there's always that thought in the back of my head, "What if I can never get pregnant?". It just makes it worse that my stepsister did at 19 and now my dad/stepmom dote on my niece as the only grandchild. What if she remains the only grandchild? Why did I get stuck with polycystic ovaries?

I've taken some hope that Kate Gosselin (of Jon & Kate Plus 8 fame) also has polycystic ovaries. I'm not alone, and one of us has 8 children. There's something in that.

Kids Say the Darndest Things

I was at the playground the other day (with Joe, the client I work with), and sitting at the sidelines observing led to some hilarity (and also some "Are you a teenage mom???" ogles).

For example, 2 kids who were obviously siblings, one probably 6 or 7 and one 5ish, were playing pirates, which meant a lot of "ahoy matey!"s and "yo ho ho"s. The best part was when the little boy, the younger of the 2, said "ahoy, to the poop deck!" and the little girl said "Do you even know what a poop deck IS? It's there (points to another part of the playground). You swab it." 

We were also walking on the trail, along with a mom, and her 6 year old, and a younger child, who was probably 2ish.  The 6 year old was like "GOSH! This is hard, walking! After this, we can get in the car, and go to Burger King." To which the mom said, "What? I'M not going to Burger King..."

And then Joe wasn't watching where he was going, and ran some poor girl on her bike into a bush. *Sigh* 

Happy 5769

It's October! I made it this far! I know this sounds like an easy thing to do, given that I always make it this far, but this fall has NOT been easy. There have been many times when I didn't think I would ever be able to change my calendar from September to October..but hallelujah, now I have. Next up: To make it to November...

This first day of October was quite an interesting one, as I went to my first synagogue service this morning, for Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year (this year is 5769).  This was perhaps not the best time to pick to go for the first time, as I ended up being there for 2 1/2 hours while I flipped through the prayer book futilely trying to figure out what was going on. Hebrew is NOT easy. At least I knew to open it left to right so I didn't look TOTALLY ridiculous...even if I did feel like I had a huge sign on my forehead saying,"Hello, I'm the token Christian...."

I've had another realization, this one about something I DON'T want to do: I don't like community organizing. At all. I'm on a team for my macro class to get a living wage ordinance, and, although I respect that this is good and necessary, I don't enjoy being a part of it at all.  This might be different if it were some kind of law about special needs...but probably not. I just don't like their approach in general, having a bazillion meetings and doing research. Blech. At least that's one thing I can cross off the list...

Shanah Tovah! Hopefully this year will be less stressful than last...

Betty Boleyn?

Ok, so this is random, but something I've been thinking about for awhile--has anyone else noticed that Betty's necklace on Ugly Betty is modeled off the one Anne Boleyn is always picture wearing in her portraits?  They look exactly alike, in fact. It's possible that I read too many books about the Tudors and have been to the National Portrait Gallery too many times for my own good (very possible)--but is this intentional? I can't see any reason to link Betty Suarez to Anne Boleyn, but I can't help thinking about it every time I see the show.

On a happy note, Ugly Betty seems to have gone back to a mix of comedy and drama, instead of just drama like last season...let's hope this continues.

Hello, Nervous Breakdown

As I promised when I started this blog, I will be chronicling many a nervous breakdown, the first of which happened this weekend.

It was a bit of a weekend-long one, starting on Friday with getting lost in Cary (I only wish I had an aerial video of it, since we actually started out where we needed to be, just across the street, and ended up driving about for an hour only to end up back where we started) and ending up Sunday with some hysterical sobbing and calling in sick to work (which I have NEVER done, in any job, shockingly enough). In other words, awesome fun. NOT.

I'm just feeling super overloaded, both in class (several hundred pages of reading a week, at least one paper/project, and not to mention 5 classes I actually have to sit through, 4 of which are 3 hours each and 1 of which is 2) and at JFS (2 clients I have to see weekly, 2 groups to run, and participating in an action team for creating a special needs group).  I'm thinking I may have to cut back on working with Joe, my client, even though it's really the last thing I want to cut and I feel completely horrible and guilty about it.  

Also, I had the usual insult that gets me riled up: " you look like you're 10!" This AFTER I had introduced myself as the SW intern. Well, excuse me for trying to be professional...I really think this comment was utterly unnecessary not to mention pretty humiliating, as it happened in front of the members of the action team I was about to sit in on.  I HATE HATE HATE when people say that to me, especially when my introduction makes clear that I am older than that.

But, to end on a good note, I did have a compliment today, from a guy that's in all of my classes--we were talking about assignments and I said one had taken me a certain number of hours, to which he said "wow, Sarah's really efficient, that many Sarah hours is double my hours!" Another friend also commented on how ahead of the curve I am...which, even though I don't think it's true, is at least reassuring.

A Mish Mash of Emotions

ANGER

On Sunday, I took the client I work with (for the sake of this blog, let's call him Joe) to Subway for lunch.  He chose to get a kid's meal, mainly because he had noticed that the toy was a nerf football, which he wanted. When we got to the front of the line, we were talking about who should order first, and the employee said ,"wait...are you guys TOGETHER?" I said  yes, and she proceeded to treat me as if I was crazy for choosing to eat lunch with Joe.  I ordered, and then he asked for a kid's meal, to which her response was, "HIM?" All I could do was nod, and hope she wouldn't try to argue with me about how old he is (17 today!) She treated us both as if we were completely stupid, which was frustrating, as both of us knew what we wanted to eat and just wanted to get decent service. In the end, her fellow coworker and herself were just standing at the register staring at us as we sat down in a booth to eat. In short, the Subway in Eastgate Shopping Center is a place I will no longer be honoring with my patronage.

FRUSTRATION

I've really been frustrated at the School recently, for wasting my time on pointless crap like meetings in which they tell us "Instructors are teachers!" NO, I HAD TO COME TO GRAD SCHOOL TO LEARN THAT.  I've also just been feeling burnt out and completely unmotivated to do any of the work I've been assigned...I'm utterly tired of going to school, which is understandable seeing as how i've been doing it for 20 out of my 23 years.  Also, I kind of feel like i'm beating my head against the wall in my field placement--I like elderly people and all, but it's just not where I want to be in my life right now.  I pretty much invited myself to a meeting where they're discussing starting a special needs group on Sunday...we'll see if that alleviates my frustration at all. I'm not sure if my supervisor means to do this (I really think she doesn't), but she's pretty much blowing off my interest in disabilities, which is even more frustrating.

EXCITEMENT

Today was a relief, since for once I wasn't feeling like I wanted to jump out the window just to escape my endless litany of classes in the same building. It was Harambee, the multicultural celebration, during the lunch break.  We had Egyptian belly dancers, Indian poetry, Brazilian martial arts, Puerto Rican bomba dancing and drumming, and even the Dean playing folk songs on his guitar.  My favorite, however, was an African-American woman (I wish I could remember her name to give her credit--I think maybe it was Rani?) who did slam poetry, one poem of which was entitled, "Revolution".

Here's a quote:

"Fuck giving the world a Coke,

I want to give the world some sense

But I'm out of change."

This is what keeps me at the School instead dropping out, as I've thought about doing so often since August 14th.  As Pink says in her new song, "So what, i'm still a rock star". And so am I.

First day on the job

I have, at long last, finished orientation and started my internship, at Jewish Family Services. Clearly, for those of you who know me, I am not Jewish, so this is definitely going to be a learning experience. 

Based on today, here are some things I'm going to be doing:

• Meeting with individual elderly clients (one of whom is a Holocaust survivor!)
• Going to Chaverim, the group program for seniors (next week we're going to lunch and a play!)
• Planning/attending the "Mommy and me" group for Jewish moms with young children.
• HOPEFULLY working on starting up a special needs group/parent support group.

I'm pretty psyched about that last part, so I hope it works out. Today I got to tour two synagogues in Durham, the Lerner School (a Jewish elementary school), and Duke's Hillel building, consult with one of the staff on a client with disabilities, and get treated to lunch.

It's going to be a busy semester for sure, with the restarting of my Arc work on Sunday and my work with JFS (a lot of which will ALSO be on Sundays).  But it was certainly a refreshing change not to be in TTK (the social work building)  listening to lectures for hours on end. I also went to a kickbox class, which I hadn't done in a while; all in all, it was a good day, and i'm not feeling so doom and gloom as I have been for the past 2 weeks. 

The longest word I'll ever use

I thought, being an English major during college, that I had come across most of the vocabulary I would need to use in my life. I realized I was wrong when I saw the title of one of my assignments (and heard this word used in other classes, as well): biopsychosocial. Really. I have to write a 10-page biopsychosocial assessment. Apparently, social work has its origins in Germany, because only in German have I seen them use this technique of mashing words together to create one big one.

Also, another discovery: I am more transparent than I thought. During my series of pointless workshops around learning styles and "creating a learning environment" (gag), we had to do one of those icebreakers (never mind that we've all been thrown together for 8 hours a day for the past 2 weeks and don't NEED icebreakers) where you have a list of characteristics (been on a cruise ,speaks French, etc) and have to find people to put in the spaces--several people asked me "you're ambitious, right? " and " you look like one of those people that do their assignments immediately".  While this is certainly true, it was surprising that people i've only known for 2 weeks seemed to be able to discern this--what makes me seem ambitious? 

In conclusion, as it was pouring this morning when I got off the bus and i had to slog through what amounted to a pond that happened to have a brick walkway somewhere underneath it and got sprayed by the water coming off passing Mack trucks and buses, I spent most of the day freezing cold and wet. Now, after taking a hot bath to remedy the freezing, I'm baking chocolate chip cookies to make up for my crappy day. You might want to eat lunch with me tomorrow...I'm just saying. 

Insight and Frustration

While reading for my macro class, I had, during a brief zone-out, an inspiration:  I realized what I would really like to do with my life.  I would LOVE to be able to counsel parents who have just discovered that their child has a disability (either in utero or post-birth), talking with them about how to make their life productive, talking them out of feeling despair and possibly wanting to abort, and also talking to parents who have known their child's diagnosis for a while and still focus on making their child "normal". I HATE HATE HATE "normalization", because it inherently implies that these children are somehow lesser and must be fixed. This is just not true, and if I could yell at every agency that propagates this belief (including one i've worked for) believe me, I would.

Another source of frustration is the term "consumer"; as in, parents coming to discuss their child with me would be a consumer of my services. Well, this just makes social work sound like Burger King. I had to go to a 20-hour workshop last fall focusing on the switch to consumer, and I maintain that it is completely ridiculous. I realize it's supposed to promote empowerment, blah blah, but it just makes me cringe. 

"Let's normalize this consumer". HOW HORRIBLE IS THAT?

School of Social WORK

Well, I have to say, I now know why they call it social WORK. Thus far (and i've only been to 2 classes), it certainly looks to be a lot of work.

Today I had macro practice and development 1...I think they're going to be good and informative, but there's a lot of reading and assignments for both (no exams, though--yay!). A lot of students (and even some teachers) have said "You won't be able to read it all". WELL, WHY ASSIGN IT THEN? Really, that makes no sense to me.

 I've also been working on my online class, and here's a quote from a video I had to watch about Native American mascots and how they're offensive:

"Minority rights aren't always right".  REALLY.  Someone really said this (I think this person was also in the Illinois senate).  Well, shouldn't everyone have rights?  Native American mascots have always kind of bothered me at the back of my mind (plus that arm-chopping thing the Seminoles do is freaking annoying), but watching this video, where several Native Americans explained that tribal dances are a religious ceremony and that Chief is an earned and very respected title (hence, seeing a "chief" dance around at half-time is extremely upsetting), i have to agree that it's offensive. It's like seeing someone playing Jesus or a priest or something during half-time--how can you not agree that's offensive? I'm not Native American (CLEARLY, if you've ever seen me), but I can understand how, after years and years of persecution, they'd just like some respect. Well, who wouldn't?

In short...i've had a lot of work, even so far, but i'm learning a lot. Let's hope this continues...

Here's to new beginnings

"Sometimes life is like Whac-A-Mole--you have to make decisions and all you have is a puffy baton"--Prof. Strom-Gottfried

At the closing of day 2 of orientation, I'm no less exhausted and keep finding myself alternating rapidly between contentment, excitement, and the urge to sob uncontrollably over the passing of one of the best summers work and friend-wise ever. I'm feeling alone as I sit by myself on a Friday night and separated from everyone that gave me that comfort zone, allowing me to not have to branch out.  I've met lots of great people in the past 2 days--but will any of them really be close? Will I be able to keep up with my college friends like I want to? Will I survive grad school as anything other than a quivering mass of nerves?

As down on life as I've been recently, I am glad to be where I am in my life (although I wish I were somehow magically able to make a lot more money; paying the bills is stressing me out big-time).

On a different note...

I'm sure this is clear for those of you who know me, but...I am a HUGE nerd. Today we had to to take a writing assessment, and I actually thought it was kind of fun. I KNOW..i'm weird. But in a strange way, the challenge got me geared up to be writing papers again (I actually downloaded a ton of classical music by my fav composers (Mozart, Vivaldi, and Gershwin) to study/write papers by, as after 4 years of living in near-constant noise, silence drives me nuts and I can't focus if there are things with words (ie, tv or pop music) playing nearby.  

So, here's to new beginnings--may they be as promising as they look.

Nostalgia and Apprehension

"Some people see "social worker" as "savior"'--Shaunee, my new classmate

It's official--i'm now in grad school. I have the bag with the School of Social Work's logo and everything (we got this free--for the cost of tuition. How lovely).

I've only finished my first day of orientation (it lasts until the end of August, technically--good grief); it went ok, although I'm feeling that it's going to be just as much work as I had anticipated, which i'm not really excited about. I did get to meet some new people who are in to all kinds of awesome social work. 

We also had some great conversations about working in organizations (and I met several people with whom i'll be sure to have many satisfying rants about the state of the mental health system in NC), which kind of busted me out of my dread of the next 2 years and helped me find some things to look forward to:

• If the bag (and the mug I already had) is anything to go by, free stuff
• Lots of diversity and interesting conversations
• Good teachers (even if they ARE tough, they all seemed nice and willing to hold a conversation about the future)
• Getting to choose electives next year
• My field placement

As Lara departs for Greenville for good tomorrow, i'm feeling extremely apprehensive about living by myself for real--although I'm feeling that, if the way I feel now is anything to go by, i'll be so exhausted I'll barely notice.  Still, another new beginning--as we walked on campus today, and saw all the freshman just starting their college journey, it made me extremely nostalgic for the four years that just passed so quickly.

I'm passing into a new stage of my life--but I don't think I'm ready.

crap or culture?

I just went to the library, and while I was there I stopped to check out their new biography shelf--which currently features full-length biographies of Dr. Dre and Tupac. Is this utterly ridiculous, or pop culture at its best?  I just can't decide...

Ch-ch-changes

"Pretty soon now you're going to get a little older"--David Bowie, "Changes"

It's really hit me in the past week how many things are changing, and how fast. With school looming ahead, and everyone that was staying in Chapel Hill for the summer moving on to the next stage in their lives (and everyone who is staying in Chapel Hill focusing on their jobs rather than textbooks and class lists), I've been feeling a bit melancholy.  I almost wish I hadn't decided to move on to grad school--I've enjoyed working during the day and having the nights and weekends free to do whatever I wanted.  Of course, now that I'm living alone ( a decision i'm also beginning to regret), free time usually equals me time--which i'm not so sure I like so much.

Of course, there are pros and cons to both school and having to live alone, such as:

• I counted, and since my freshman year I have lived with TWENTY THREE different people, counting the girls I lived with in London when I studied abroad. This is just completely insane, and it's almost a relief not to have such a flowing tide of roommates anymore.
• BUT, I miss having roommates to talk to--not to mention split the bill.

As far as school goes, 

• Of course there's the argument for getting a better job post-graduation with a higher and more specialized degree.
• BUT--two more years of school??? I'm having to take 5 classes, do an internship, AND do an online class just for this fall--not to mention keeping up my part-time job too.

In short, things are changing, and far too fast for my liking. When did college end?? I'm an engaged, 23-year-old grad student, and that seems a bit scary. Still, it will be interesting to see what the future will hold...

Mma Ramotswe, my cat, and all things Jewish

I've had some free time in the past couple of days, and i've spent it reading  In The Company of Cheerful Ladies, a book in one my favorite series: The Number 1 Ladie's Detective Agency, by Alexander McCall Smith.  These books are not only enjoyable and relaxing, but they're also an amazing example of an author successfully embodying a main character (in this case, 2 main characters) of the opposite gender.  Some of these portrayals (James Patterson's Lindsay Boxer springs to mind) are so ridiculous that I often spend the whole book ridiculing this person's inaccurate portrayal of their main character rather than the plot (although I have to say, in  Patterson's 1st to Die, it's hard to pick which is worse.)  Kudos to McCall Smith on creating Mma Ramotswe, a character that women can identify with and respect at the same time.

Another thing I've spent my free time doing is cleaning up after my cat, who has decided to lick herself far too often, leaving me to suffer (and clean up) the consequences. And also the vet bill for her new flea medicine and rabies shot...

On a far different note, I had my interview at Jewish Family Services, where i'll be interning for the next year. My initial impression was that it's going to be a really awesome place to spend time and won't seem like work at all.  Here are some:

Reasons Why I'm Excited to be working at JFS:

• I'm going to be working with a totally new population, culturally as well as need- and age-wise, which is always exciting because I love learning new things and meeting new communities
• They're closed for Jewish holidays, which means I have nearly every Wednesday in October off (of course, I have to work other days to make it up, but still...wooo!)
• I've always been fascinated by Judaism and now I can learn about it firsthand without having to consider it as a religious choice for myself.
• It's going to be a nice break from my ARC work; i've always enjoyed spending time with the elderly (except the extra-cantankerous mean ones, but there are some of those in every population)
• And finally....because I might be heading up a new program for special needs! Yay!! This I'm really excited about, since I feel like it might be a spring-board to a real job post-grad school.

In closing, I think that being totally psyched about my Clinical Diagnosis and Assessment text book is a good sign that I'm going into the right field....

The cost of living

"If America is the richest country in the world, how can most of its citizens barely afford to live here?"--Swing Vote

The cost of living really hit me today, as I had to take my car in the for its 30,000 mile maintenance AND go to the dentist (not to mention going in for a random drug test for my job, which fortunately I didn't have to pay for).  The two expenses mentioned above added up to more than my paycheck. AWESOME. If I, who have a job that is far above minimum wage, can barely afford to pay for things, when I'm still on my parent's health insurance and am getting some assistance from them, how does the rest of the country life? Really, I can't figure it out.

This is an especially difficult dilemma for me, as I think everyone should have affordable health insurance (and by this I mean, NOT half of their income, or even a substantial portion), BUT I don't want government-sponsored health insurance (of all the things I love about England, the NIH isn't one of them) , I think Medicaid and Medicare are a lot of paperwork and useless hoops to jump through and not a lot of quality care, and I also don't want doctors to get paid any less than they already do by said organizations (they have to pay off med school/provide for their families somehow).  Interestingly, I think Mike Huckabee's idea of health insurance is a good place to start--a focus on preventative care rather than mopping up afterwards. In other words, treatment for people at risk for diabetes, rather than amputating limbs after the fact.  As you've probably noticed, he's no longer in the running for anything. 

In addition to my utter frustration at the American economy and how much things cost (and also at the US in general for not even attempting to come up with a reasonable solution for this), here are some

Reasons I hate going to the dentist:

• They try to talk to you while their hands/instruments are in your mouth (today I managed to stab myself in the gum while trying to answer a question about my undergrad major)
• They always manage to give you bad news (today:  My gums are receding and my teeth are wearing down from grinding/clenching them)
• I HATE that pointy curved thing they scrape plaque off with, not only because I absolutely detest the noise it makes on teeth, but also because I always manage to bleed copiously when they use it (today was no exception).
• It's expensive 
• The x-rays are, and have always been, farrrr to large for my mouth (who do they MAKE those things for? The Cookie Monster?)
• I always leave feeling bad about my teeth maintenance skills. 

In short, today was expensive, America is expensive, and I don't like the dentist.  Hurrah.

Welcome to Me

I have, at last, started a blog. I've been thinking about it for a while, because, well, gosh, it seems like everyone's doing it these days. But, now that i've moved into my own apartment and am sans roommates (and hence sans people to gripe at/with about all the various inconveniences of life), and I hate phone calls (which is irrelevant anyway, since my cell phone doesn't work in my apartment), it was either start a blog or spend all my time talking to my cat who, I must say, is not the best of communicators.

My main reason for not starting a blog was that I don't seem to have a central theme--but it struck me today, while going through all my copious material in preparation for grad school (starting NEXT THURSDAY!!! AHHH!!!) that the next 2 years are going to be packed with experiences and learning, and that is certainly a theme.  Besides that, a lot of people I know are moving away, and I want them to be able to keep up with me--sorry guys, bad cell signal and all. 

So, in case you don't know me (which you probably do, given that you're reading this) or haven't caught up in a while, here's a summary of me, to base future posts on:

I'm a first year graduate student in the School of Social Work, who just graduated with a BA in English from UNC (you wouldn't be the first  to say that these 2 are unrelated), am engaged to my boyfriend of 5 years (FINALLY), and love working with people with disabilities, which i've done both through Best Buddies throughout college, and several jobs, my current one being with the Arc of Orange County.  I also love reading, drinking tea, cats, movies of all kinds (except overly scary ones), and England, where I am convinced I am meant to live, and have no idea how I ended up in the States.  

coming up in my life: 

• The end of Summer Work & Wellness, the camp I've been working at this summer, helping to teach teenagers with disabilities job skills and tools for independence
• My interview with my potential internship site, Jewish Family Services
• The start of my first year of grad school (which i'm sure will mean many, many meltdowns to come)
• My conversion to Catholicism

In other words, many exciting times.   Also, expect many book and movie reviews.  

Welcome to Me.